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Poll #1339881 just for me.

you clicked on something and it brought you here. what were you hoping to find?

thank you for your time,



i wake up at 4:45am to get ready for work. i drive to work at 6 so i can be there at 6:15. it's very dark and there aren't many people on the road. i am listening to my ipod alphabetically by song title, and as i get close to work, paul van dyk's "out there and back" comes on. this is the song my friend casey played as the ball dropped new year's eve 2000/2001, the best night of my life. three months later, chris and i were together and falling in love. we used to stay up until dawn just for fun. at the time, i never would have thought i'd prefer to be up at 4:45am to go to work, just so i could spend time with him for a couple hours before going to bed at 10:30.

last night, chris and i celebrated our eighth year together, and our last anniversary as an unmarried couple, by having dinner in a restaurant we hope will be our reception venue. as observant as i am, regardless of the records i keep, shit keeps changing when i'm not looking.


from my journal: July 31, 2008 --

In an effort to understand my fear of ridicule, I must understand my need to communicate with others.

My opinion of myself matters less to me than the opinions of others. If someone else thinks I’m stupid, that’s what they understand of me. I have obviously done something to make them come to this conclusion. The thought process goes like this:
- I have acted in a way others perceive as stupid.
- Others have perceived me as stupid, so I must have acted stupidly.
- I must be stupid.

My only hope is that they have misunderstood me. I am not stupid, I have merely communicated poorly. Had I been able to make them understand me, they would have seen that my action was not stupid at all. The thought process goes like this:
- My actions will not dictate who I am, the way others interpret my actions will dictate who I am.
- I feel compelled to share my intentions and opinions in the hopes that I will be understood. (“Surely if others understand me, they will see how magnificent I am and like me. Then I’ll be able to like myself.”)
- I feel compelled to silence my feelings and desires for fear of ridicule. (“Surely if others ridicule me, I am worthy of their ridicule. They will not like me, and I’ll be unable to like myself.”)

Why does my opinion of myself matter less to me than the opinions of others? And not just friends or family or people who know me, either. Why does my opinion of myself matter less to me than that of a stranger? Why do I feel I am less than a complete stranger?
watching: "the american future" on bbc america.

reading: boston terriers for dummies.

eating: dirty rice and creamed corn.

thinking about: what i want to do with my journals, my writing, my thoughts. as usual.

planning to: clean out my little office room tomorrow.

drinking: power-c vitamin water.

need to: pee pee.

icky, but well.

this morning, i woke up from a dream that i had scabs on my scalp, all purple and crust right on my part. i've been breaking out in rashes randomly over the past two weeks and noticed it was back on my legs around 9 this morning. i've never had an allergic reaction or skin sensitivities before.

i've started going into work at 6am. i like it. on the drive there, i feel like i'm a member of a secret society, and all the other people on the road are my enlightened comrades, whizzing across the city before dawn instead of waiting until 7:30 to inevitably fight a bunch of inconsiderate morons and school buses full of rowdy children through intersections whose lights are just never quite long enough.

i have a standing date to see one of my favorite friends after we get off of work every monday.

chris and i have been able to really start investigating which wedding options we want.

i'm very tired and itchy, but happy none the less. that's pretty good, i think.


oh, poop.

well, no pussy party for me today. the snow just keeps coming down and they let all the schools out in the county at the same time as my appointment, so driving would have been an absolute nightmare. i went ahead and rescheduled, but i just realized that with my new work schedule, it will conflict, so i'll have to re reschedule. i was doing so well!


a new doctor, a new routine.

very gray morning. it's starting to rain again. i am cheerful, drinking coffee, and mentally preparing myself for my first visit to the gynecologist. i know, i know. my twat's gonna rot off. i should have been going to the gynecologist for 10 years by now and i'm horrible for putting it off so long. now that that's out of the way... currently putting off calling the insurance company in an effort to find out how much they'll cover. i'd like to assume they'd cover diagnostic tests and specialist consultations, but these days, one would be a fool to assume anything about health coverage. the truth is, although i'm probably betraying the sisterhood by not complaining my ass off about my impending pap smear, i'm looking forward to my appointment. i may change my tune later in the day, but i'm a little excited, even. for one thing, i feel good about myself for finally making an appointment and keeping it. for another, i was given such a glowing recommendation about this doctor, i'm curious to meet him. i've seen his picture online and he looks very kind. and lastly, i can't help but feel excited about having someone new interact with my vagina. i know that's warped, and no, i'm not going to try to seduce the guy, and yes, i know he sees lots and lots of vaginas every day. but i've never had a positive medical experience when it comes to my vagina before. as a child, i injured my vagina enough to have to go to the emergency room. twice. a calm, routine check is long overdue.

i am also preparing myself for a major change at work. i'm going to start working 6am-2:30pm three days a week and closing on the weekends. waking up at 4:30 in the morning is going to be rough, so over the next week, i'll be trying to work my way towards that goal instead of just expecting myself to miraculously bound out of bed and get to work before dawn next tuesday. i think it will be worth the effort. as it is right now, i work the exact opposite of chris's weekly schedule, so it'd be nice to be able to see him more and maybe even (gasp!) cook dinner together a couple nights a week. (wow, i just noticed it's snowing its nuts off. sorry, like i was saying...) also, because retail is shitty right now, there aren't enough hours to go around, so i'm lucky to get 20 hours a week. this new schedule guarantees me 38, as of now. and the best part: i get to work independently and shouldn't be expected to do anything other than my own tasks, which is how i like to work. it seems everything's coming up milhouse, but we'll see how it goes. retail's pretty uncertain.

last night, chris asked me if i will get a sticker after my examination, like you get at the dentist:

i think i'm going to make myself one.


good work today.

it never snows here, but it is today, so i took a picture.

back in early november, i made a new account on 43things as a tie-in with this livejournal. i let myself forget that the reason i'd done this was to identify the areas of my life that were the most important to me, and began adding goals that interested me from the small and quick to the big and (seemingly) impossible. today, i decided to look at my 43 goals and my reasons for adding each one. besides a few that didn't exactly represent what i was hoping to accomplish and need to be reevaluated, i've found that they all fit into these categories:

1. learn about myself and the world around me.

2. improve myself and create the life i want based on what i've learned.

3. share what i've learned, how i've improved, and what i've created with those who would like to do the same, in turn teaching me more.

to what end, i don't know. i've never understood why, but i've always felt that human beings are supposed to be teaching and learning from each other constantly in order to gain a better understanding of ourselves, each other, and the world we live in. like i said, i have no idea why i feel like this would benefit anyone in the long run since i also feel that we're eventually going to be wiped out by some airborne disease we can't fight fast enough and nothing will matter anymore after that, but i still think we're supposed to be learning and teaching. why else would we have these sexy brains?